saturday story.

by josh on February 13th, 2010

so i go to the bank today….

and as i am driving in….i find myself following this minivan with the license plate “GOODMOM3″. first i thought to myself, “hehe….nice try, but there are apparently 2 other moms greater than you!”

what was even funnier though? in the back window was this huge decal that said, “peace, love & hope”. huh? “that’s pretty fuckin’ ghey”, i thought to myself. however, i was still really curious about what kinda person was driving this minivan of greatness. she happened to be pulling into the bank too…so it was perfect.

then out steps this fat disgusting pimple infested white chick who was about my height, but easily pushing around about 75 more pounds beyond my own ample plump bosom. i entered the bank right behind her, so of course i had to stand in line directly behind her. she was talking on her cell phone as she stood there. but even better, she had one of those corded ear pieces stringing down her gross pimpled arm as she yapped away so all the rest of the patrons could hear. even though she was sans a cool new bluetooth device, she obviously was a very important “GOODMOM3″ and damn sure wanted everyone to know it. seriously though, the delusional stank of self-importance was just dripping from this heffer like a 4 day old beer fart just waiting to kill some baby bunnies.

whatever….i quickly stopped paying attention to her as i muttered under my breath about the other retards in there taking way too long to finish up their transactions.

i finally step to the teller (of course i get the cutest girl of the bunch), hand over a check, swipe my car, smile, make a joke, smile again, and say bye.

but as i am walking out….i have to walk past this “GOODMOM3″ lady again. i was already in ignore mode, but i couldn’t help but notice her…..because she was now fupa deep in the point of transaction where she felt she needed to raise her voice in discontent at the teller.

“ummm, excuse me….i went through this about 3 years ago and vowed i would never bank with wells fargo again after they refused to give me a debit card after i was going through a bankruptcy! now my credit is within good standings and i am still having problems with you and everyone that works here!!! why i even bother with you people….”, she’s saying with a huge zit infested face.

she was totally disrespecting the teller, and gosh darn it…..something needed to happen. heh, enter me.

naturally, i say….”oh my god!!! a bankruptcy is fucking your shit up like a deadbeat and you drive around in a minivan that’s labeled ‘GOODMOM3′? shame on you for lying to your kids and the WORLD!” ….and i walk backwards out the door to her jaw dropped muttface…just snickering the whole way out.

heh…..not only were the bank tellers all just laughing, but even another patron waiting in line started clapping at me with a look of “awwww, shit….no you didn’t!”. hahahaha, but seriously…..i can’t stand folks that feel the need to be total cunts to customer service people. like they had anything to do with your situation to begin with?!?!?!?! get a grip, get a clue, and get that bullcrap off your lame minivan cause if i ever see it again i am gonna throw a rock through the windshield just out of purpose!

i now feel complete for the rest of the day though. “GOODMOM3″ my ass! who let’s these ppl breed? when i take over the world…..

:p

socal sleazebag(s) of the month: july 2009.

by josh on July 30th, 2009

i know i missed last month, so this month gets 3 awards handed out.

see, one of my guilty pleasures is watching big brother. yes…the crappy reality tv show that locks 15 or so ppl in one big house and videotapes their every move. i am not sure how i got hooked on this garbage….but alas, i am. it’s interesting to me just how the dynamics of clashing personalities can play out on this show. although….i am starting to think their casting team needs to quick picking morons just cause they look good. because, sure….while i can agree that the show will have more appeal if the ppl on it on are the attractive side…..there are still plenty of attractive ppl in the world that aren’t complete knobs.

anyways….the winners of this months “socal sleazebag of the month” are 3 morons on the show….that yep, are from california. and they are all cliched idiots even if they go out of their way to be “different”. here’s a fight 3 of the california gems had:

-click to view-

yep. yep. we’ve got the surfer dude from santa monica. the tattooed tramp from torrence. and the colorful gay dude from chula vista. the little gay dude isn’t as bad as the other two…..but he’s still annoying. the sad thing is….this interaction is actually a pretty good display of just how ignorant a lot of ppl are. the sadder thing is….usually they’ll never actually understand what kinda trash they are. oh well….i’ll be here to point it out for them. hehe.

yikes….apparently i am going to a show.

by josh on December 4th, 2008

going to see the aimee mann christmas show this saturday.  up in LA at the wiltern.

1. i didn’t realize it was a crappy “christmas” show when i signed up for this ordeal…..

2. i also didn’t realize it’s really more like a variety/comedy show either…

3. i am pretty sure i’ll see some asshole celebrity and tell them to fuck off in the course of the evening.  hah!

actually it should be pretty cool. to give you an idea of what i am dealing with?

here’s a video:

-click to play-

happy meals of the future!

by josh on September 19th, 2008

in a little hidden section of wired.com (-link-), they are having a photoshop contest. the topic this month is “happy meals of the future”. so they want people to submit photoshopped images to reflect this idea.

we’ve had a pretty slow week….so i quick threw this together to submit to the site:

-click to enlarge-

heh.

“you look like trouble.”

by josh on August 18th, 2008

huh?

after the dodger game saturday night we ventured to a little british themed sports bar in santa monica to sip a couple drinks with patty o’ furniture. i had stepped outside to smoke a cigarette, and this bartender lady was holding down the door. carding the new patrons that were entering the establishment.

me, in my typical smartass way….walks up and says, “you wanna see my ID too?”

“you look like trouble!” she says.

WTF?!?!?!??!?!?!

i start laughing and give her a “what the hell does that mean?”

she then insists her comment was suppose to be that of a “good thing”….so i should take it as a compliment. i dunno about that……

trouble. i am an angel, sheesh.

…..but backing up to the dodger game. shit, that was an adventure. seated amongst a crowd of 52,000 people (half of which i swear were pregger chicks and 400 lbs. mexicans)….i was sporting my jj hardy jersey in support of the brewers rolling through town. needless to say, i expected to be given some shit for it. actually though, to my surprise…there were a lot more brewer fans there than i expected.

i mean, some dude came up to me and started chatting in the beer line. apparently he was from london….but had lived in milwaukee for 6 years, so he was there to see the brewers too. cool….so i bought him his beer and nodded with a “cheers”.

but back to my hardy jersey. it was fairly tame….i got the usual “booooo!!!”’s each time i made my way up the stairs. figures too….cause we had 1st row seats on the 2nd deck….so i had to climb the sea of classless shitbag dodger fans each time i got up. but that was fine…..boooo me, like i care.

it wasn’t until the top of the 8th inning when things got a little more interesting. jj hardy hit a 2 run home run to put the brewers on top by a run. of course i stood up and cheered, and of course that pissed everyone off. so like typical dodger pieces of shit….the great fans behind me start throwing shit at me. peanuts and other crap. cause you know…nothing but class in dodger stadium.

well, the dodgers came back to tie it up in the bottom of the 9th….on, of course, an error made by jj hardy. so the shit talking started back up.

however….in the top of the 10th….the brewers regained the lead for good….on….

….AN RBI SINGLE FROM JJ HARDY!!!!!!!

HA! SWEET BLISS!

…at this point i looked to my buddy paul and decided it was a good time to just bolt. so i had to make one last trek up the sea of loser dodger fans to get back to the parking lot. here i was sporting my hardy jersey….and he had just won the game for the brewers. one would think it’d be best to just quietly try and sneak past the crowd right?

OH NO! NOT ME!!!!!

naturally i made that last walk up the stadium stairs with my arms in the air….chanting…

“JJ—HAR-DY!!! JJ—HAR-DY!!! JJ—HAR-DY!!! JJ—HAR-DY!!! JJ—HAR-DY!!! JJ—HAR-DY!!! JJ—HAR-DY!!! JJ—HAR-DY!!! JJ—HAR-DY!!! JJ—HAR-DY!!!”

ha. i am lucky i didn’t get shot, but screw you dodger fans!

so yeah….me=trouble.

drive financial group.

by josh on August 9th, 2008

*NSFW…..potty mouth ahead!*

but this is just funny. hehe. yes, i need a life, but screw these ppl!

sorry for the mouth, mom.

this is pretty crazy.

by josh on July 15th, 2008

so…along with the all-star break…there is the mid-season break in my fantasy baseball leagues. i am in 2 different leagues this year. one is a pay league and the other is just a random public league that’s just for fun.

i had different draft orders between the 2 teams, so while i have a few players on both teams….they are pretty different. what’s crazy is i have the EXACT same record with both my teams! talk about weird. it’s good enough to be in 1st place in both leagues, but i am not sure how the heck this worked out.

here’s the top standings in both leagues:

…and in case anyone even cares…here’s my teams:

Milwaukee Meatbags:_____Bronx BooYahs:

meanwhile….back in the man cave.

by josh on July 12th, 2008

….this is what i’ve been doing while isolated to the cave…

kidding….obviously it’s not mine. but hot damn do i wanna make one on my kitchen wall!

proud to be an american.

by josh on July 4th, 2008

….and proud that i can freely share things like this:

it’s an old vid, but for those that haven’t seen.

there are days when i don’t think it’s easy to be a proud american anymore. like this fourth of july. all the support in the world goes out to the troops, cause it’s not their fault. and i won’t go into it that much……but it’s no wonder the rest of the world can easily hate us.

being an american should be about embracing different cultures, creeds, races, and rising above it all to change societal norms. not imposing our generic idealistic western way of life on others around the globe.

it’s all bullshit and in the purest form.

happy 4th of july!

johnny-damon. johnny-damon.

by josh on May 17th, 2008

why the yankees rule….